Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
