I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
