If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
