the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
