Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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