I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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