i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
