You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
All I want is dick and wine.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
