i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
