kristin has been a bad kristin
I just cut my nipple shaving
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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