My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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