SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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