I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
