If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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