i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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