I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
