When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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