I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
