I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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