I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
