just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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