Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
