I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Text me some of your sweat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
