Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
