It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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