That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
