I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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