the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
