Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
