My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
