He had one of those small greek statue penises
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
