I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You took a bar mat shot.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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