operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
