he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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