i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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