dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
This is classic penis vs brain.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
