he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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