I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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