Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Randomize
