Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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