My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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