Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize