wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I need a beard to bite.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
