So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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