Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
