I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
