just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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