I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
