Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
