It's Friday. Sex?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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