College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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