Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
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she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Come on in and take your pants off
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