I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i will never coherently bang her
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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