guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
