Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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