Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
