That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
