you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
