Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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