Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
