dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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